Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
