Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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