1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Umm I'm too high to move.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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