Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
