Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
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