he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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