I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
