I just made out with a guy for $7.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
