I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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