my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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