After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
