she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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