i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My vagina is officially offended.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize