Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
it's great music for shaving your balls
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize
