i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
