Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How does it feel to date your dad?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize