My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
