trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
