saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
