Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
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