Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
