I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
