remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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