I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
