moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize