oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
