His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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