I didn't shave. On purpose
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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