Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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