when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
