yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
