I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
