Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dicks are not precious.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
