you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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