So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
