You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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