Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
