Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
