I will die if light touches me.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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