No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
