dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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