where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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