Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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