I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
