time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
