my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
