she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
