I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
COCAINE IS GR8
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
