Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just gargled with NyQuil
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
