I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize