I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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