pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hippo gnu deer
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
