im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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