If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
