It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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