After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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