my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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