Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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